It's never bad...........

U know when u are ready to deal with something, life brings it front and center in a manner that requires you to face it? And to me, "deal with" means either accept the reality of a situation, take responsibility for an act or word, or simply walk away from an unchangeable set of circumstances.....I had one of those experiences today.

.......I knew there were things in one area of my life that needed to change but I just didn’t want the hassle....I’m not even certain I’d “win” if I ended up fighting over/with it....This thing is an inconvenient issue I didn’t want to pay attention to....I wanted to stay comfortable, even though in this case comfort equals unhealthy behavior patterns; both mine and other persons involved.

Mostly, I didn’t want to make waves. I didn’t want to be “that girl.”

But I wasn’t happy and satisfied. And I used to be so I can’t deny that change. Still I kept charging forward as usual, despite the sense I was forcing a square peg into a round hole, moving forward no matter what..... Even though I knew better.

Then today, just this morning, I received a new piece of information. Immediately afterwards, I had a moment of total clarity where everything narrowed down to what is unarguably meaningful in my life. There was a split second when my vision sparkled with awareness and all extraneous noise was silenced. And then I realized this thing I have allowed myself to agonize over is not important. It is not valuable to me. In that instant I realized just how simple things in that part of my life could be…and how difficult I was making them.

I called my friend to share all this and he actually said the words which completed the process.... He listened to what I had to say about this external thing I was struggling with and then told me, “That is not right”....I knew in my heart it wasn’t but I guess I needed the support of my even-tempered and always objective friend.

So I stopped worrying about it. And it became easy.....Remarkably easy

No big proclamations will be made....I don’t need to announce my decision to anyone because in the end, it’s just cultivating a different attitude and having renewed sense of what is best for me. And that is never bad :p

Binun euy.......

Arrggghhh... Kacau... !
dah dua ari ini gue kacau...ngeblank euy...gue dah bolak-balik ngelakuin hal-hal konyol ....mulai dari cabut searian dari jadwal perkuliahan dan ngegantinya dengan maenan kompie di lab (searian pula)......sampe nongkrong di coffe shop sambil bengong yang mungkin bikin ownernya empet liat gue..hihihihihi....ampun yeh kelakuan gue :))....... masalah manajemen perasaan neh....ribet deh ah ....hehehehebingung.........apa yang harus gue lakuin???.....haruskah gue terus ngelakoni "Saling menikmati ilusi tetapi enggan melangkah pergi.... Saling bertukar mimpi di batas terluar imajinasi" dengan seseorang?.......yang gue tau akan berakhir dimana......hikzz....makin bingung :(

kalo ada posisi yang ingin gue benci dalam idup....adalah posisi dimana gue harus "melangkah pergi" dengan tersenyum....

Pasrah ato ketidak berdayaan ....entahlah....
yang pasti setiap ada hal yang harus memaksa gue melangkah pergi.....gue akan melangkah....nggak pernah berusaha untuk bertahan...
kelemahan ato keangkuhan?.....entahlah.....


mungkin betul kata seorang teman "terkadang kita perlu egois untuk bahagia"....pi egois seperti apa?.....kebahagiaan yang seperti apa?........bingung lagi kan?....hehehehehehe...hidup memang membingungkan.....


alih-alih pasrah.....gue akan bilang......INI HIDUPKAN?...SO JALANIN AJA!!!.....hahahahahahaha